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I have been listening to the books J'appelle Agneta and au revoir Agneta by Emma Hamberg. My thoughts are spinning, because imagine finding yourself when you're 50. But no longer fit Sweden's shapes and get to experience France's villages, where you fit in better.
I probably wouldn't fit in either in France, Sweden or Spain... I think...! But right now I simply have to let life pass as it is..!
My shoulder hurts, my arm hurts so much that I can't take anything at all. Drinking my cup of coffee, cup number two. My brain concentrates on the pain instead of focusing on what I can do. Take out the pad and sketch, stroll around town or go to the beach. But no, I'm sitting here on my sofa, going crazy with my thoughts and taking care of myself for nothing...But I will! Outside, thousands of people walk by, they sit in cafes and laugh. Oh how I sometimes wish I were them. But I don't know anyone here..almost. Starting to long for Sweden for the crisp cold. Cafes, friends, family and mother. Mom's apple cookies.
The pear must have matured by now. I can see mom smelling and hugging the pear tenderly. Then she tells about grandpa, I know the story by heart. It's long, it's exciting and always ends with: how much grandpa loved gray pears.
I will be unfair to my husband and one of my friends and also my brother. When I told you my innermost feelings the other day. About how I feel about the man my mother lived with for so many years. How I tried to explain ... well ! I didn't get the response I wanted from anyone! I was completely convinced that one of them would understand and be on my side. But realized that now I was that strange person again. With too many feelings, with too many thoughts and preferably they don't want to hear about them. Probably because it is too hard to hear the truth.
So I stopped talking and now I've tried walking them away. Let them be uncounted.. Instead think about things normal people think about.
You have won for the moment. But I'll never be normal and I won't fit in in Sweden, Spain or France... But I think I'll find the place one day.
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